What's the Two do now?
by Calliope-Elven-Agent
Summary: What happens when someone who has read a little too much Jane Austin decides to write a Master and Commander parody with a dash of Matrix? Read and find out! (Sequal to my Matrix parody, "What's the Two Do?")
1. What the!

A/N: It's here! The "long" awaited sequel to "What's the Two Do?"

Note to the Master and Commander fans who read this: This fic is the continuation of my parody, "What's the Two Do?". It follows the story of Danae, aka Jessica Barton, aka The Two. I recommend you read the first part, you can find the link in my profile. :) The first "Two Do" takes place in the Matrix. So, if you haven't seen it, go do so. If you don't like watching R movies (Like me!) go to www. cleanfilms .com , (Take out the spaces) which legally edits movies and rents 'em out. :) You only really need to see the first. :)

(Look for the dark-ish-skinned guy with the ponytail in there. Hehe. He's important in my parody.)

**Further note: This parody is based on the movie. I've only read the first two books as of yet, so I though it would be safest to go with what I know more of. This parody takes off right where Epilogues #1 and 2 leave off. Enjoy!**

Disclaimer: I do not own Master and Commander, or any of the people, places, or things described in it. I do not own the idea of a disclaimer, either. Actually, I don't even know who's it is! Oh well...

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Danae kept running. Running hard enough to break her head. Ohh, yeah. That'd be great. With that thought in mind, she jerked herself to an abrupt halt. Too abrupt.

"WHOAAAAAA!!!"

Crash.

Danae slowly raised her head, groaning. Had anyone seen that little stunt? She looked around anxiously. Nope. All clear.

What the-?!

Too clear. Where the heck did the rocks all go? She was underground, right?

Ouch! Danae put a hand to her head. Oh, man, she sure hit that baby hard. Maybe that was why everything was swaying. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she looked back down. Wood. Wood planking. That was new.

"What the-?! Sir! Come quick!" said a strange man's voice. Danae started to raise herself, grumbling.

"Dude, I didn't hit my head THAT hard... no need to fuss... sheesh." with that, she turned to face the speaker. And screamed. By that time, 2nd Lt. Mowett had run up, and stood staring in shock at the girl who was staring at Slade who was staring at her.

"Wha... what... what's with the clothes?" The girl gaped.

"I beg your pardon, Miss?"

She pointed a trembling finger at Slade, then Mowett. "The... clothes... is there a new re-enactment group that I didn't know about?"

They merely stared.

"You're dressed like... Sea... kinda... sailors... early 19th century... please... explain...?"

"Are you all right, Miss?"

Danae turned and flopped down on her back, staring up at the crowd that was beginning to gather around her.

"Could someone please tell me in what part of Zion I am in, why I can see the sky, why you're dressed like that, and how I got here??"

There is no answer.

"Ummm, what time is it, please? Exactly. Including date, time of day, and year."

"4 in the afternoon, May 15, 1806...?"

Danae's eyes grew to a size before deemed impossible. She got up, pushing through the crowd, to the edge of the ship. Looking heavenward, she shook her fist up at the sky.

"If this is some trick of you machines, it's **not funny**!!!" She wailed.

"Miss?"

Danae heaves a huge sigh, then turns to the amazed crowd. "Just... how hard... did I hit my head...?"

A tall man in blue with a funny-looking hat approached her, bending down to the short teenage girl's level.

"Can you tell us who you are, and how you came here?"

She stares back at him, blinking. "Uhh-unnhh. Nope. Not a clue. Zero idea. Hey, you're kinda sorta cute."

"I beg your pardon?"

Our heroine's face breaks out in a grin. "Meh, whatever. As long as I'm stuck here, I may as well make the best of it. Lemmie introduce myself. My name is... uh... ummm... Oh darn it, did I have amnesia when I was unplugged?? Umm... Barton, Smelrond called me... Barton, Barton... Oh, yeah! Duh! Re-start. Lemmie introduce myself. My name is Jessica Barton. My daddy was captain of some random Merchant ship... Ohhhh boy, what's a good name...? The Research. Yeah. The Research. Anyway, we were, like, attacked by the Frenchies, and the Captain looked like the Merovingian's brother, and acted that way too, so I was all like: 'Dude, I'm outta here!' So I jump ship, see yours, climb up, and here I am!"

She is met with blank stares.

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry. When I'm all, like, hyper, 'cause I see a cute guy and all, I talk a mile a minute. Re-re-start. My. Name. Is. Jessica. Barton. My. Daddy. Was. Captain. Of. The. Research. We. Were. Attacked. By. French. I. Jump. Ship. See. This. One. Climb. Up. And. Here. I. Am. Savvy?"

Pullings raised an eyebrow, but remained polite. "Umm...If you would just follow me, Miss Barton. I must take you to the captain immediately."

Danae, or Jessica as we must now call her, began following her escort towards the great cabin. This is so darn weird, she thought, but why in the name of Gandalf's pointy hat should that matter? Everything that had happened recently was weird, and what the heck, she was certain she was about to meet Russell Crowe in his 19th century incarnation! Not that she was a R.C. fangirl, I mean, he was old enough to be her dad and all, but hey, maybe she could get an autograph! Her thoughts began to whirl, and it seemed like the ground was pitching, too. Jessica Barton began feeling woozy as she watched Pullings' hand reach for the door. It opened. Looking up, Jessica could discern the sound of voices—sometimes loud, sometimes distant-- and saw two figures through her blurred vision. They were coming out, and poor Tom nearly crashed into one of them, stepping back and saluting just in time.

Later on Jessica just had an ever so vague memory of what happened next. One of the men—was it the captain?—offered her an arm and firmly but courteously led her to a chair before sitting down in one himself.

"Now, Mr. Mowett, what happened here?" More talking. The captain was asking her a question. I. Must. Respond. Jessica thought.

"Um, sir, would you please stop the ship for a moment? It's making me feel queasy; I want to go home." Was that really her speaking?

The captain looked at her intently for a moment, with the strange look about the mouth that happens when you're trying oh-so-hard not to roll on the floor laughing, then stood. His voice seemed to roll as relentlessly as the stupid ship, pounding in Jessica's tired ears.

She must wake herself out of this.

"Come one, Danae!" Jessica told herself. "You're strong!"

Jessica tried to stand up. Her legs gave way.

The quiet, dark kind-faced man called Pullings, standing near her reached out and grabbed her arm just before she hit the floor.

Just as she realized with glee that it was Tom-the-adorable who rescued her from that terrible tumble, darkness engulfed all her senses. Drat.

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	2. Of Seasickness, plugs, and Long Stories

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_Chapter 2_

_Of Seasickness, Plugs, and Long Stories_

Jessica wakes to find herself in a small wooden room, lying in a uncomfortable hammock. Everything is swaying back and forth, back and forth... She shuts her eyes and wonders why Tank hadn't given her a download for dealing with seasickness.

"Miss Barton?"

She opens an eye slowly, and recognizes the second man from the captain's cabin. Stephen! She has a hard time not giving him a bear hug and telling him that Diana was the meanest and cruelest thing ever to him and...

"I see you're awake. Are you well enough to come sit over here?" The Doctor gestures toward a chair set against the wall.

Our heroine nods, and somehow manages to stumble over to the chair, gripping the seat for dear life. Didn't they have motion sickness pills back then? Duh. Of course they didn't. Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill? None of this would've happened... Oh shut up. Stevie's talking.

"Don't worry about the seasickness, Miss Barton. I assure you that it will pass soon, but I am curious as to one thing..." He busies himself with checking her pulse, and doing other "Doctor-y" stuff, when he rolls up her sleeve before she can stop him.

"_Good God!!_" He stares in utter and complete shock at one of the plugs in her arm.

Quickly she shoves down the sleeve, and giggles nervously.

"Oh, yeah, umm... that. Heh."

"What in heaven's name is it?!"

"Yeah... well, um... looooong story..."

He pushes the sleeve back up, despite our heroine's squawking, and looks at the offensive plug more closely.

"It's metal... Miss Barton, you really must tell me what a round piece of metal buried in your arm is doing there!"

Jessica draws a long breath and lets it out again with a heave. Talk about being in a pickle! Where did that phrase come from, anyway? Was some kid trapped in an enormous pickle that was going to be boiled up or something?

She mentally crashes her head repeatedly against the wall. Think...

"Umm... well... see, I said that my da- _father_ was captain of a merchant ship called the Research, right? Well, see, that's a really strange name if you think about it, but my father, you see, was this... scientist... Well, long story short, when I was born, he had this crazy idea about making holes in your skin, over blood vessels, that were covered by these metal cap-like things. So, he could easily block off harmful things in your system, like a poisonous bite, and even put medicines in these, to make it quicker and more effective!"

Whoa. She said that?

Stephen stares at her, amazed. Well, it was a better explanation than her saying that she was from almost 400 years in the future and that she'd been born and raised in this pod thingy as a battery for the machines... right?

"I see..." Stephen is obviously still chewing on this hefty whopper of an alibi. "Well, then, I have one more question for you, if you're not too tired."

"Shoot."

Stephen blinks. "Excuse me?"

Idiot. Talk like some prissy 19th century girl...

"I mean, yes, continue, sir."

"Yes, well, um... I am curious as to how you are still so... seasick, if you will excuse the expression, since you must have been sailing for so long with your father."

How was he to know she had 'been sailing so long,' she'd like to know. Our heroine desperately tries to come up with an answer.

Hoping that they were close to land, she blurts out: "Well, see, it doesn't take much time on land for me to lose all my abilities to... survive well on a ship, if you get my meaning, and we've only been out again within the last few days."

Oh, thank heaven. They must be near land. Stephen buys her second fib. He stands up, and heads toward the door.

"Well, Miss Barton, thank you for your answers. Are you well enough to speak with the captain? I am sure he would appreciate any information you can give him."

Jessica's eyes bulge. Not again...

Suddenly, the rapid sound of a drum begins. Shouts and calls erupt, and Stephen looks alarmed.

"Miss Barton, you will have to excuse me, but you cannot stay here."

"What?" Images of being tossed overboard for lying to the ship's surgeon dance through her head...

Just then, the door bursts open.

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A/N: **Dun-Dun-Dun!** Cliffhanger!!! Yaay! I love cliffhangers! By the way, I'm very proud of the name of Jessica's supposed father's ship. I was blundering around, trying to find some random name, when lo and behold! I saw a booklet titled: "Writing a Research Paper". Instant inspiration.

And many thanks to my three lovely reviewers:

RandirienIthilienMaiden: (shakes hand back) Thank you for the first review! (gives you Strawberry Ice-cream) I actually think that the sea has a sense of humor... (thinks of that strange trip to the CA coast last spring...)

Starlighter-Dagger: lol, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I've always wanted to confuse these poor guys... and this is my best way to do it. ;)

Miaso, Demon Master: Meep! Okay, okay, Orli's yours! (backs away slowly) I get Tom. (evil maniacal laughter)


End file.
